me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
a search helicopter?!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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