just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
