Just fell off a train. Bad.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
