Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
