is your mom at the bar?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
