last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There's always time for handjobs
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
