omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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