Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
