At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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