my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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