I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
