I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
