I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
