you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
