I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
