Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
