So drunk, too bad you don't want this
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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