I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
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