best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
