fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
