I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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