I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
