I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
