It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
