she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
