you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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