My entire life is one complicated drinking game
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
