This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
