dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
