Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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