Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Don't make out with my wife yet
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
