my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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