last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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