I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
