my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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