I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
