How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
