So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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