i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
