When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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