I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
