Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
