he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
And then he peed in my hair
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