so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
