she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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