everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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