he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
