You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
