the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
