i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
