i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
