I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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